I can’t help you. I want to but I know I can’t. Not in any significant way. 

But, if you see this (which you won’t), know that it matters. It matters so much and it isn’t worth it. It’s not going to fix anything for anyone. Please just hold on. 

Having to say hahahafuckinghahaha and move on, say “oh she’s doing fine I guess” is kind of fucking shitty. I can feel how I am trying to distance myself from everything, feel how I hold back constantly and feel how I try to find some peace in venues and in theoretical substitutes. I don’t want to do this to you or to her/or to anyone but fuck that. I’m sick of being scared, I’m sick of fucking hurting. You do as you please and I dream of it. 

i really wish sometimes that I weren’t such an introvert because being around people takes so much energy and just drains me and makes me bitter and frustrated and i have to cancel plans that involve a lot of people sometimes because it’s almost a chore for me, and i always feel obligated to go but in the end i hate myself for it, because i put myself in a bad mood and wasted the time i could have spent watching movies with my family and writing and talking to people online and finding funny videos and doing my massive pile of homework. and then when i don’t go and here about how great it was, i hate myself for being an antisocial unreliable bitch.